Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Understandig your worth! Men and Women

My BFF and I chatted today about the worth and value of women and men. Do you understand that value you bring to any relationship - professional, personal (friends, family and romantic)? I call it your personal value proposition. I think everyone has and should be able to articulate it to the people with whom (s)he has a relationship.

A couple of examples got me to thinking about my worth and value proposition.

1. A gentleman recently "hit on me at a restaurant." I guess that's flattering. I wasn't interested, but asked him what his value proposition was. He was offended. Why I wondered. Surely a 38 year old man could articulate it beyond his career. I really wanted to know why I should entertain his request. How would he contribute to my life? How could I contribute his life? I told that if he had asked me what my value proposition is, I could articulate it. Point is: I am worth so much more than my education, the value of my job (though really nice), my friends (though really super fabulous and successful), the designer threads that grace my body or even the brand of car I drive.

Let's get deeper folks. Just because you have a job and no children does not make you a viable candidate to be my friend or my beau. I'm worth so much more, but more importantly, so are you.

2. My friend recently realized the value and worth of his girlfriend after she broke up with him. We all have 20/20 vision in hindsight. Yes, indeed. I heard all about how wonderful and amazing he thought she was after the fact. I kindly explained to him to tell her and not me. Again, he had been so self-centered that he forgot what a prize person she was and he himself. The story ends beautifully, but again, I wondered...Does he really understand his value and his worth.

This is where I ask you to weign in and share your thoughts on the subject. Inquiring minds want to know.

I wonder what this is worth... Seems like very little until you're hot as heck and tired from climbing a mountain. Suddenly, its value changes!

Located on the mountain side of a Chilean Winery.


Binti said...

Ofcourse you know I am one of your number one supporters :). I just love discussions, although I should be working huh?

Anyway, I think, as usual this is a brilliant topic of discussion. We have discussed this before so I think it is great to get feedback from males and females.

I can relate to the man at the restaurant getting offended at your question, as I too have recently run into situations as such, the raised eyebrow and being called judgmental. When I simply ask a similar or simply logical question to me. For those who know me, I am not one to look down on people no matter status or class. I can mesh in just about any situation (thanks to my international upbringing, life experiences and exposure to all types of cultures, life statuses and stages of life).

I think that we forget to focus on self when we wish to engage in the mingling with others. Mind you, in my humblest opinion, I think it is important to come to terms with who you are as a person before merging with other lives, so knowing your worth and knowing what you have to offer with REALISTIC ideas of what you deserve in return is a great start.

I think that if you don't take these concerns or issues into account then you either cheat yourself or at worst the person you are involved with. I don't think a person who is comfortable in knowing their worth or value is rude or judgmental if they don't choose to be involved with someone who isn't on the same path or have or willing to give the attributes a person needs in an involvement. I think it is just realistic and smart and by no means does it belittle or puts the other person beneath them. On the flip side I feel it is important for men and women to be very realistic of what they ask for and that they themselves are willing to live up to or maintain what they are requesting. < This I have found does not happen often times.

So, in a nutshell, no one is perfect and no two people are exactly the same, so pick your poison and love and live with it. Just make sure it is a tolerable poison for you :) I know, horribly worded but you know where I am coming from.

Anonymous said...

1. Men want honest, timely, loving communication.

Honest communication is top priority for men. They want a woman who answers questions honestly, and perhaps even volunteers information. They want a woman who confidently asks for her wants and needs to be met. They want a woman who can see the truth and tell it like it is while communicating with kindness. Men want a woman who can communicate without being too critical, who cares about preserving his and her dignity.

2. Men want self-sufficient, secure, confident women.

Men want a woman to choose them out of want rather than out of desperation -- either materially or emotionally. Men need to be wanted and needed by their partners, but they want their partners to have a separate identity. Men want a woman to be active and independent, to have her own friends and interests.
On the other hand, men treasure time spend with a loving partner.

3. Men want a manipulation-free relationship.

Men want no manipulation of any kind. They do not want to read their partner's mind or try to interpret signals. They do not want to be forced to move faster in a relationship than they are ready. They do not want to be manipulated into taking all the blame for things gone wrong. They do not want to be on the receiving end of game playing.

4. Men want growth, personal responsibility, and ownership.

Men want a partner who can laugh at herself and who has courage and strength. They want a woman who can see her part in relationship dynamics and own it. She has to be emotionally stable. Men want a woman who is developing herself personally, and who takes responsibility for her emotional experience.

5. Men want fidelity and a commitment to the relationship.

Fidelity is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a "roaming eye" and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Many may define commitment as fidelity plus the willingness to work on the relationship -- even when the going gets tough.

Ingrid said...

The reality is that your worth is established by the time you are 10 years old, the people you meet along the way are merely modifiers to whom you are at the core. This is why as parents, we have an unbelievable responsibility to not screw things up. It has nothing to do with what you were given or how exposed you were, it has everything to do with whether or not you felt that someone always “had your back” and would never give up on you. Not to say you can’t recover and re-build as an adult, but the truth is you first have to a) acknowledge the deficiency b) get the help needed to renovate yourself. I encourage everyone to do the work to uncover their value, because we all have some aspect that’s in a state of disrepair.

Binti said...

Women also want honest communication, self sufficiency, manipulation-free relationship, growth, personal responsibility, and ownership etc. However to get these things one must be able to GIVE these things as well. Again, knowing their worth and the worth of the person they are involved with.

In other words be what you ask of others. Simple. You attract what you are or what you put out there.

Kelly said...

I love the blog. Question, does everybody have to ADD something to your life? Could they perhaps have come into your life because you have something to "give" to them? Remember from one of Benn K, you can give away knowlege without losing it.

I agree that you should be able to articulate who you are. But I submit that value varies with different, people, friendships and colleagues. I would even say there are some that I am working at a deficit to the other individual.

You know I love you Ingrid. While I can agree that good parenting is critical, I'm not sure that I believe that your worth is established at 10. I have read, and agree, that parents take too much responsibility for great kids and too much blame when kids turn out, not so well. I have seen the same parents raise a child who has acheived tremendous success while the other is spending times behind bars. At some point, every child takes personal responsiblility for their life. And this is when I believe that the value that they are adding (or subtracting) begins.

Friday said...


I agree with your comments, we deal with people as we see fit and in this lifetime we will meet people who are on some level, Not on ours :), but that does not make them any less our equal. Our self worth can come in many different forms as we travel through this thing called life. Great Topic. "M"

Anonymous said...

So as I'm sitting here reading the comments made, thoughts are racing through my mind so fast, I'm fumbling over the keys bc I can't type as quick as my mind is shooting it out!!!! lol

But to sum it up....

Its really simple,
Life and Love are Not Complicated, People Are.............

It's not a maze or rocket science, it's a simple matter of communication and respect. We should love ourselves more to know when to say when. Every man or woman we encounter is not the one because you're physically attracted or have a lot in common.

This person may need to only be your friend, and we would recognize that a lot sooner if we openly and honestly communicated with one another. And furthermore, if we were more in tune with our core, we wouldn't want to waste time with negative energy. But we do it because we are SELFISH.....

We know we deserve better, but we would rather stick around than be lonely, or blame it on, it's just something to do......read a book!!!!!!

We can't value ourselves, if we never take a break to spend time with and get to know yourselves. We always have to be doing something with somebody.

It's really ok to take a chill pill and be still. Get in tune with you...Get back on top, so when you're ready and that right opportunity comes along, you're can cease the moment and the victory.

Always Stay True To You!!!!!

And everything else is just extra.........

Binti said...

Very well said Anonymous :)