Wednesday, September 2, 2009

What Men Want - Solve the Riddle!

I'm perplexed on so many levels after a friend recently told me I need to dumb it down to get a date. Really? Dumb it down he says...This got me to thinking and as I started a very informal poll of other male colleagues, friends, associates and even some strangers, I realized he might be on to something. The results are resounding - some men really want women to not necessarily dumb it down, but pretend they know less than they do, are super helpless and or we are clueless, but of cute no less.

I don't think men want us to dumb it down or do they? Do tell...What on earth do you want?

Like my other wonderful freinds - married and single - I've spent countless hours (if you think about the number of hours we spend talking about amongst ourselves, watching Oprah, reading books, talking to our male friends, brothers, colleagues, etc.) trying to figure out what men want. We hear they are simple beings, but are they really? Sometimes yes and other times no. If they are so simple, we should just do what Steve Harvey recommended on a recent episode of Oprah - love him, support him and engage him physically. Yes, we can do all those things without speaking or thinking and it seems easy enough. At least sometimes. But clearly, it's not enough. Sorry, Steve Harvey is not really an authority on the subject anyway, but that's for another post.

Should we take it back to the 50's when the divorce rate was much lower and families stayed together? That was a fun time. Women were always dolled up - gotta love a hot mom in makeup serving up a lovely caserole from fresh organic veggies and the best meat in town. I guess this no longer works since we (us girls) at least some of us, want equal rights/equal pay. I've been considering giving up this fight too. I can be cute everyday and just have dinner ready except that I want to be paid for it. LOL.

Before I ramble about all my opinions on the topic. Will the men, if and only if the know, please help me solve the riddle.

11 comments:

Ced said...

I don't think any woman should dumb it down by no means. I just think that women should be up front and personal from the beginning. Meaning, don't do anything in the beginning that you don't have the endurance to continue to do in the end. A relationship should be a progression not a degration. Ladies it is not in your best interest to start something that can't be finished. A man wants a solid woman that can hold her own and support her man to do the same. You can not tell your man what you used to do with someone else, that you specifically said you didn't like, then not do the things to the man, you said you like. It's oximoronic! Keep it real and treat your man as you want to be treated. I'm not saying I'm an expert, nor do I want to be. I am a simple mane that likes extraordinary treatment. Bottomline Men want a companion that will make him feel comfortable in every way possible. Ladies don't dumb it down, just be real and take pride in your man, on a consistent basis...

Binti said...

Hmmm, wow... Where to begin? As I am not a man and I too am very confused by what men want, I ponder...

In response to the comment Ced made, I agree with everything in your comment. However, in my experience the "keeping it real" goes both ways, I find the need to keep it real is a general necessity regardless of gender. That would eliminate a whole lot of time wasting and game playing.

I think it is deeper than keeping it real with a man, it is more of an individual issue. Each person has different reasons for why they do things or react in a certain way. There could possibly be one general issue in the "man" language that we women are clueless about. If so... Let us know what it is :)

What about the man who actually meets a woman who has the general things a man claims to want or the qualities this particular man is looking for? Is it that when they get what they say they want they have know idea what to do with it when they do get it?

What about the confident, outgoing, woman who is handling her business. A woman who is smart enough to know that her intelligent comes natural and there is no point in trying to prove it to anyone? A woman who will support her man without a problem and willing to be a partner and friend, who keeps it real? Why does it seem SOME men are intimidated or feel less adequate to this type of woman? Even if she doesn't make more money than him, or owns more possessions? Even if she does?

If men want what is stated here, why are there so many women who have these qualities that are still single and clueless why men don't seem to have a clue?

Is it because there is an abundance of "the other type" of women who make it easy for men to cop out? You know, the women who are fine with being treated less than a lady, "the other woman" (in some circumstances I know a woman can end up in this situation unknowingly and it can become very difficult to get out - no judgement) or the woman who settles for the minimal time a man gives them or just an occasional booty call, and is convinced that the man she is involved with is "her man" for the sake of being able to say "she has a man", or a "piece of a man is better than no man at all." Ooh, those statements make me pitty some women.

Now don't get me wrong I am not judging anyone. I am all for people who want casual relationships with no strings attached if that is what they are looking for in the moment, however, the second type of woman who doesn't hold a man accountable for general respect, honesty and integrity for true love commitment and a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP, make it hard for a woman who does.

So there are definitely deeper issues than the few mentioned here but what are they?

I would just love some clarity on these issues...

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if you should dumb anything down for anyone. We want a strong women, who is intelligent, down to earth, understanding and caring. at the end of the day keep it simple. we want a partner at the end of the day, to go through life with.

Binti said...

But when a man gets those things does he shy away from it? Become suspicious that it is too good to be true or take it for granted?

Just a couple comments of various experiences some women I know have had...

In the rare and wonderful occasion I have found there are men who want this, get it and know exactly what to do with it :)

What about the others? Yet to see...

Pdigitl said...

Ok, Here is some real talk for a real woman and real man to hear... What does a man want? It's simple and has been said several times before. A man want is a partner/companion and a woman who understands her role. Yes, role... A woman is made to be the better half of a man to enhance all his qualities and make him feel confident to go out in the world and be a provider. NO man wants a challenge with his woman but wants nothing more to be on the same page or at least understands the page he is on. If we STOP as African Americans/Blacks/etc. and take pride and value in ourselves and relationships there will be less games played and more successful relationships. I think "dumb-down" in not good but choosing battles is better. Every thing you think that is contrary to another does NOT mean you need to challenge it. Don't forget we are humans and even more importantly individuals so... with that being said we are designed/built to have contrary opinions, thoughts, feelings, etc. you just have to choose which ones you will fight for and which ones you'll let others fight for.

Sean said...

Very interesting topic and right on time. I don't want a women to dumb it down per se but to keep mutually stimulating a conversation is pretty much the point. If I am with someone who has more education than me then I should expect a certain amount of conversation that is technical or "craft" based conversation I would not understand or only understand a little bit. Outside of that trere should be some equity already engaged in the common talk from day-to-day.

Binti said...

Hmmm, interesting point on the "Role" issue...

I think man and women in a relationship do have their individual place in general, as partners that is... We are both made differently so, men and women do have different needs.

I think it is fair to say that if a man is responsibly taking his role as the "head of the house" it should be easy for a women to take her role as a "partner/help mate." however the confusion comes in when one partner or neither partner is stepping up to the plate of what their role should be.

There are various family and partner life styles that work well for different people. Example: In some households/partnerships, the man is the breadwinner, in others the woman is, in most both are to some extent these days. In whichever situation, there always should be a balance. Give and recieve, have an understanding and as someone stated pick your battles. There will be some, but all issues are not major. It is okay to agree to disagree.

Interesting enough it sounds like men and women want similar things from eachother, as we have different roles is that a good thing or a bad thing? She we want the same things or different things from eachother. Interesting thought.

McMarketer said...

Fantastic dialogue and I'm taking it all in. Thanks so much!

Kidan said...

Okay, I'm not a man. But, I'll pipe up b/c I think this riddle might be unsolved forever. lol What we (men and women) want is a variable. It changes, and moves. At 30 something there should be a pretty simple list of "relationship needs" vs. "no can dos". Be strong enough to stand by them, and courageous enough to be alone until you get them.

As for dumbing down, that's ridiculous. Who would do that? That would work for like what...a month? Then, you'd end up cussing someone out and snapping as a result of your innate need to be who you REALLY are. More importantly, being loved JUST for being you, is real love. It's a much more lasting and fulfilling love than being loved for being some imagined person someone perceives you to be. Just my .77 cents.

Mescha said...

As this is such an interesting conversation, I must chime in with my few thoughts on the subject. By no means do I feel as a "WOMAN" that any of us should dumb down who we are, what we stand for,what we want and what we deserve.

Love is not complicated and doesn't need to be figured out as if we are surrounded by this big maze. Love is pure in every sense of the word and feels extremely good when it's displayed.

The problem we're facing is not dumbing things down, but letting go of the person we see is not what we're really looking for sooner than later. Because we fear being lonely, not having kids, or even raising them alone, we get in relationships and digest the bullsh*t that we know and knew three weeks into the relationship we wouldn't be able to deal with.

Yet we stay instead of moving on and not dealing with the painful hurt that comes along later.

We need to stop wasting time and enjoy life, as we don't get yesterday back and tomorrow isn't promised.

Dating can be a pain, if you make it. But it can also be fun and interesting while making great girlfriend and guy conversations...lol.

However, let's not forget the ole saying, "Life is what you make it..."

We're(Men&Women of color) complicating the whole gammet and loosing in the process. Let's stop gripping and live life to the fullest, as I'm sure we'll all that that special someone in due time.

Binti said...

Mescha, I concur. The sooner we let go of "what isn't right for us" the closer we are to finding what is.

This is a rule I live by. It might take awhile to find "the right person for us" but when we do it will be worth the wait. :)